Michael Sam made history as the first openly gay man to be drafted into the NFL.Kudos,
Mother’s Day was Sunday. Comedians weren’t traumatized by it because we are all well-adjusted people.*
*Reaches for bottle of Jack Daniels, plays with puppets.
Our own gay rights champion, Sampson, tweeted it best:
BIG shout out & congrats to
@MikeSamFootball who was drafted by the St. Louis Rams!! Time to gather up the girls & get ready for some games!
Mother’s Day tweets and a little art:
I just texted my ex, whom I took a paternity for to prove I wasn’t the father of her baby,
-The Maury Povich Show should use this idea.
Lord be with me and mom as she switches from a flip phone to a smart phone. Guide her thru the terms App and Download in Jesus name Amen.
-Happy Mother’s Day. Here’s a device that will make contacting each other more difficult. Well played.
Here’s to all the moms who learned to use emojis & never looked back
taking mom to Hooters is a lot easier when you can just meet her there after her shift
When yr Jewish, EVERY day is Mothers Day! Amirite, every woman that I’ve ever dated? (my mom is involved in my life to an unhealthy degree)
Happy Mother’s Day to a special lady who is BLOCKED from reading this on both facebook and twitter!
-Are we brothers?
Today has got to be tough if you’re Oedipus Rex.
AND HERE ARE THE OTHER TWEETS OF THE WEEK:
You found it hard to watch 2 guys kiss? I’m a Redskins fan. I watched Vinny Cerrato run our draft for 10 years. That was hard to watch.
How To Ruin Any Relationship In Three To Five Texts – A Modern Woman’s Practical Guide To Unsuccessful Communication
-I could write the Modern Man’s version in one sentence: DO NOT SEND A DICK PIC.
Police & ambulances should have different sirens. That way I don’t think I’m getting pulled over for an injury.
-One is the Woop-Woop, the other is the Whoops-Whoops
Superheroes are way too good looking to be believable. Wonder Woman is a 10. If you’re a 10, the world you live in has never needed saving.
The plural of masseuse is masseese.
-The plural of happy endings is “solicitation charges.”
He-Man:I have the power!
Skeletor: U will no longer stand betw-*snickers* betwe-*giggles*
HM:What’s so funny?
S:*chuckles* Dude u have bangs
-When he gets older, He-Man will have the power of Greyskull
And my best for this week:
Mother’s Day, a less confusing holiday than Father’s Day in Baltimore.
SEE Y’ALL NEXT WEEK!