As we continue to piece together what happened to Flight 370, the crack team at LYGO DC tried to find something lost and foreign as well- funny tweets. Also, all our NCAA brackets are busted.
Here are the week’s best:
How many 70ft long pieces of trash are there in this dumb ocean?!?!?
-The Great White Trash Shark? A whale, but with an Ed Hardy T shirt and a stream of Busch Light cans streaming behind it.
Giving my March Madness bracket the silent treatment.
Is it wrong to wish more people were blind so I could meet more dogs?
-No, but wishing more epilepsy on people as well is a tad much.
Stop body shaming me about my muffin tops. So what if I tape muffins to my hips. Where do you keep ur snacks, some inaccessible Tupperware?
I hereby pledge to wear a smile on my face every day in 2014 that is 70 degrees or warmer and sunny.
-As I write this, it is the 24th of March in Reston, VA, and 21*. I will have a Jokeresque surgery to ensure warmth.
Glad twitter exists cause now I just need a 0 favorited tweet instead of going to an open mic to get that same sensation of bombing.
-Ironically, I favorited this. Misery loves internet company.
Come to the comedy club to perfect the art of begrudging obligatory clapping
-Give it up for this tweet! And also the troops! And clean water!
Don’t tell me about a world where people waste their farts by doing them outside on a windy day. I don’t want to live in that world.
I don’t have a side chick. I’m white. I have a mistress.
-Let’s just admit that our mistresses are like the Flight 370’s of the world. People suspect she’s out there, and the drama is finding/concealing her. We do our best by jamming communications (phone/navigation unit), flying under the radar, altering routes, and using fly experience. Also, we crash and burn. Also, she’s from Malaysia. (Too soon? I was just winging it.)
Guys a cat just rubbed against my leg, let me pet it, hissed dangerously at me, and rubbed against my leg again. Is that what dating’s like?
-No, because you’re getting pussy.
And my best:
Vladimir Putin rides into Crimea, shirtless on horseback, with boom box blasting “Back in the USSR.”
See y’all next week! Retweet/share/email/snapchat/tindr this to others please!