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T.W.I.T. – Oscars edition

T.W.I.T. – Oscars edition

Alright, Alright, Alright, It’s the Oscars, and we should speak as clearly as John Travolta.

Also we got another snow storm…..

 

SteelebornDC@SugglifeDC 

Some of y’all deserve Oscars for acting like you care this much about this shit. #netflixornuthinftw

 

David Carter@_DavidCarter_

Remember when 3 6 Mafia won? #ThingsWeWishWeCouldTakeBack #Oscars

-It’s hard out here for a selection panel.

 

Travis Irvine@TheTravisIrvine

12 Years an Oscars Viewer AM I RIGHT?? #longshow #Oscars2014 #goodnight

-We have to have enough time to thank our sponsors, including Haliburton.

 

Herbie Gill@herbiegill

Hey ABC, good looking playing Resurrection promos on either side of the In Memoriam segment. #Oscars

 

Kara Klenk@karaklenk Mar 3

Congrats Matthew McConaughey but in 50 years your “In Memoriam” pic will be you in “Dazed and Confused” and nothing will change that.

-I get older but the picture stays the same age, man.

 

Drew Landry@DrewTheComedian

I really wanted McConaughey to go on stage and just beat his chest and do that hum from Wolf Of Wall Street for 2 straight minutes

-It woulda made more sense than the actual speech.

 

Randolph Terrance@realtalkforyou

“No Angie, we can’t adopt him”-Brad Pitt #Oscars

 

Richard Game@blahmed

White Hollywood stands and pats itself on the back for ending racism every time a black person wins.

-Except for 3 6 Mafia. Still. Someone gave Price Waterhouse Coopers the Suge Knight treatment.

 

not NOT Jason Saenz@jasonsaenz

Kevin Spacey is in the audience, plotting how he can host next year. #oscars#HouseOfCards

-And then the Presidency.

 

Valerie Paschall@vivalaphoenix

Did you really just mess up Idina Menzel’s name, John Travolta? Are scientologists not allowed to wear glasses or something? #Oscars2014

 

Jesse Berney@jesseberney

John Travolta wins Best Closeted Gay Cultist.

-He is from Grease…..

 

David Tveite@killtveite

So cool that they’re reuniting Jamie Foxx and Jessica Biel, stars of the classic film “Stealth”! #oscars

-Can’t wait to miss it again.

 

Mariya Alexander@MariyaAlexander

I would rather watch the AVN awards because they at least sincerely honor each other for sucking each other’s dicks #Oscars #Dicks

– That awards ceremony REALLY blows.

And the tweets not nominated for the Oscars go to:

 

Rob Maher@RobMaher

My girlfriend made brownies today. I will repay her by not trying to have sex with her. #SoulMates

 

Omar Shaukat@OShaukat

Some people get drunk and text messages to exes, I get drunk and apply to comedy festivals. Both involve inevitable rejection/disappointment.

 

Mjölnir@EnglishmanChris 

If I won the lottery I would buy all the tickets for a Justin Bieber concert and just stand alone in the front row booing the entire time.

 

Tyler Richardson@Ty1erRichardson

I would like world peace. But, I will settle for a cheeseburger.

 

Liz Miele@lizmiele 

I wonder how many therapist don’t wanna help people, they just really like gossip #secretlyhairdressers

 

Michael Larrick@MichaelLarrick 

Fool me once,

is that food can i have it

Fool me twice,

is that food can i have it

-a dog

 

Dylan Meyer@Your_Boy_Dylan

China is developing a weapon that can shut down the entire U.S. infrastructure instantly. They are calling it “Three Inches of Snow”.

 

Danny Charnley@DanKCharnley

does sighing at people count as exercise? if so, where are my abs?

 

And my best:

jon yeager@toosoon_huh

Comedians In Cars Getting Cocaine starring Tim Allen

 

See y’all next week. If you like it, then you should put a RT on it.

 

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