The holiday season gets tougher and tougher each year. Some of you may be fighting the War on Christmas. Some of you are still grappling with the revelation that Santa Claus is both White and real. Some of you might have just stepped in a SantaCon reveler’s urine. And of course, we can all probably agree that Christmas shopping is a nightmare. But don’t fret – for those of you still trying to figure out what to get folks for Christmas I’ve assembled a top 10 list of the Most Awesome Worst Christmas Gifts – actual gifts I’ve received or seen at Secret Santa gift exchanges, were recommended to me by internet micro-targeting, or came across in Skymall. Perfect gifts for your co-workers, bosses, and Megyn Kelly.
10. Gigantic Container of Cheese Balls
9. Big Mouth Billy Bass, The Singing Sensation
The packaging says: “Surprise your friends with this rare catch!…Large Mouth Billy Bass looks ordinary enough. But when he senses an unsuspecting admirer, he flaps his tail and sings them a song“. Yes, a perfect gift for folks you know who “admire” largemouth bass and good tunes. They do exist. It even made an appearance on the Sopranos.
8. 3 lb Gummy Worm
Tasty treat that can last for days, years, even decades. It also has several other potential uses, like as a drain snake or sex toy.
Solid 3 out of 5 stars on Amazon and only costs $3.59 to indoctrinate children in wacko Tea Party ideas, and piss off your liberal friends.
6. Elf on a Shelf
Never has “annoying” and “creepy” been this successfully engineered into a single toy. Here are some ideas on what you can do with him.
5. Zombie Gnome
Festive garden décor for your friends who’re into gardening, gnomes, and the Walking Dead.
4. One of a Kind Shirt
“All shirts are a piece of art and patterns are never repeated”.
But one thing that’s common to all of them is that they all probably look best in the garbage.
3. Thanks for Everything Memorial Frame
Great gift for friends who had a beloved dog pass away but that can easily be re-purposed as a gift for their favorite hotel/resort, ex-girlfriend, or gastroenterologist.
2. Humunga ‘Stache Dog Toy
A perfect gift for that hipster friend who needs to be seen with a hip dog. A pair of canine skinny jeans and ironic Garfield the Cat t-shirt are sold separately.
1. Beard Hat
A perfect gift for your male (or female) friends who want to protect their beards from the cold, or can’t grow them in the first place.