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T.W.I.T. – Beyonce

T.W.I.T. – Beyonce

Beyonce dropped a surprise album, but our crack team of tweeters dropped their own smash hits. EVERYTHING IS SO CRAZY RIGHT NOW!

Rob Maher@RobMaher

What’s the big deal about Beyonce making an album without anyone knowing? That third girl from Destiny’s Child does that all the time.

 

Congress passes budget ahead of time. Beyonce drops secret album WITHIN HOURS.

-Tea Party passes measure, Nickelback opens world tour.

 

A Tveit Christmas@killtveite

I’ve been asked a half dozen times today what I’m wearing for the office Christmas party. At this point I’m thinking vest made of dynamite.

-Feel free to detonate when Bob from Accounting starts to karaoke.

 

Dylan Meyer@Your_Boy_Dylan

At office holiday parties make sure to get really drunk. Not to fit in, but because it’s free and those assholes don’t pay you enough.

-Make sure you repeatedly tell them that too, when also holding mistletoe above your pants. Aaaaaand that’s when I felt the handcuffs go on.

 

Rahmein Mostafavi@CoolCowComedy

Parenting is hard work, but some things teach themselves. For example: there is no need to say, “be gentle with the cat “. They’ll learn.

 

Jono Zalay@JonoZalay

Some call it the munchies, I call it weed induced emptiness.

-You know, you could get something prescribed for your depression. And glaucoma.

 

Ryan Schutt@ryschutt

Often vilified as being solely a way of putting off “real life,” going off to grad school is also an excellent guilt-free breakup method.

-Getting my Masters’ in New Women’s Studies!

 

Mariya Alexander@MariyaAlexander

*is calm and serene*

HAHAHAHAHA oh man that’s rich

 

***In honor of the holiday season, and NYC’s bizarre meetup known as Santacon, here are a couple choice tweets from our contributors in the Big Apple.***

Pete Bladel@PeteBladel

A drunk Santa is going to pass out & freeze to death tonight on someone’s stoop and some kid will be scarred for life come morning #santacon

 

Natalie Shure@nataliesurely

Someday we’ll find out that the people at #Santacon were just our parents this whole time

 

And, yours truly had a fun interchange with an unlikely counterpart: 7-11’s twitter account.

jon yeager@toosoon_huh 

  1. 7-11 cashier doesn’t charge me for coffee.*

    *Smiles to himself, turns on car stereo, “Secret Lovers” plays.* #fredisasexyman

  2. @toosoon_huh “How could something so wrong be so right? I wish we didn’t have to keep our love out of sight, yeah” shhh, we won’t tell.

See y’all next week!

Jon Yeager

 

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