Recently, NSA Leaker, Nerd Hero and the real life version of Will Smith’s character from “Enemy of the State”, Edward Snowden, came out and said that there is no way Russia or China have any secret NSA Document. He claims the only person that he gave those documents to were the journalist he met in Hong Kong. There by keeping the country’s secrets safe and sound. What a dummy!
What a foolish move on his part! He could’ve been an American Hero! All he would’ve had to do was sell the secrets to China, in exchange to drop the national debt. Boom! Makes Eddy Snows a national hero, we all get parades, and Snowden wouldn’t have had to live in Russia for a while!
Now all you are probably wondering, “Hypothetically speaking, what would happen if China had all our secrets? Wouldn’t they use it against the US? Wouldn’t that set back the Cold War?” No, no. I mean if that happened, China wouldn’t really make crank phone calls to all the phones in the US and drive us nuts! Neither will they use the “Dirty Word Search” documents to hack into our computers and replace everything with Chinese Propaganda films. That would be so much porn they would have sift through! And then selecting which one to replace, they’ll be overwhelmed! Probably lose their minds, and quit! It’s not like they’ll reveal that they’ve been dooping us and that there’s a secret menu at all Chinese Restaurants that serve real Chinese food, right? And then what, they come out and say that Fortune Cookies are bullshit and don’t really speak to you?
But the real question is what about this journalist? What did he do with the documents? Oh dear god, did he give them to the Chinese?!? Oh no, that means that all the hypothetical situations are coming true! This means that fortune cookie I got last week that said “Watch your words, for they ring with sound of a million ringtones” is coming true! Okay, let’s pretend this post was never written, to avoid a “Red Dawn” situation, because we don’t have the Wolverines to save us and neither do we have a Swayze!