The Emmy awards were this week, fueling our unnecessary attention towards television.
Just kidding. TV is topical gold and also a great babysitter!
I like to imagine the woman who leads people offstage at the Emmys has no idea what is going on or how she got there.
-I’d like to think she also has low expectations and also I look like James Franco.
The opening dance number of the #Emmys for GIRLS would’ve been one female dancer eating Cheetos while too many people praise her.
-Lena Dunham would be “tastefully” nude, in an epiphany about being a mid 20’s white girl having really tough decisions to make like whether Pumpkin Spice Latte’s match her Uggs, or if she should just go sleep around even if he hasn’t read Reviving Ophelia.
If you own a bar & can’t get your customers to leave at closing time tell them a comedy show is starting. They’ll clear right out.
-We are the Nickelback of patronage.
I love dungeons. I ABSOLUTELY adore dragons. I wish there was a combination. -d and d inventor
– “Hey, I got to fix this chute, hand me the ladder.”- Maintenance guy who didn’t see his chance to make millions.
the capital of the united drakes of america is salt drake city
-This made me raise an eyebrow. One, unified eyebrow.
BREAKING: Pope Francis to host Saturday Night Live this season
-Musical guest: Liberace
Pillage Rape Pillage Rape Pillage Rape #TalkLikeAPirateDay
I just wanted you guys to know that I got iOS7 and the emptiness I feel inside still hasn’t gone away. Some update, Apple. THANKS APPLE.
-Is there an app for that? Asking for a friend.
I’m thinking of joining a lesbian cat share. Thoughts?
-That’s just too much pussy/depression.
I’m gonna invent the cyber version of pepper spray and win life.
– Instant Mace-aging?
And my best:*
There was a five minute brawl at the Eagles/Chiefs game last night. Sadly, no Eagles fans died.
See y’all next week!
*Results may vary