Human beings are social animals and sometimes the burden of being social is just too high. Maybe there is a friend that you wish you could get rid of but won’t take the hint. Maybe wedding season is too expensive and you wish that all of your friends would drop dead or not invite you. Having people hate you could be your solution. There are so many benefits to being hated. You’ll save money by having no friends to eat out with, and you’ll have lots of free time on your hands to pursue your esoteric dreams like making world-class statues out of butter.
There is a fine line that you have to walk in order to be properly hated. You need to be weird enough that people want to stay away, but not crazy enough to be committed. Here are some creative ideas on how to make people hate you.
1) Bang on someone’s door in the middle of the night on a weeknight. Calmly tell him that you want to talk about your day. “Did something happen?” he’ll ask. “No” you’d reply. “Nothing happened. How was work today?”
2) Rub someone’ back while maintaining intense eye contact without blinking. Do this until you get a reaction. When they recoil, maintain your gaze and tell them that you just came back from a spiritual healing class and this is the new you.
3) If you have a spare key, go into their apartment, microwave fish and eat it in their bed. Extra points if you fall asleep in the bed while eating fish.
4) Attempt to pick up their kids from daycare. “What? I was doing you a favor.” Be sure not to actually pick them up from daycare. This can be misconstrued as kidnapping and be a felony depending on the state.
5) When someone tells you that they have a goal, beat them to it. Oh, you wanted that job, well I also applied for it. Interested in that girl. I banged her. Dreaming about culinary school, I already enrolled. This is a great way to lose a friend.
6) Insist on going everywhere with your pet snake. No, you can’t go to brunch without your copperhead.
7) Tell them that you hear voices and that you are enlightened. Then go and order them to do strange things and that God told you to tell them. Ask them to procure a live chicken and bring it into the office along with some really hard to find fruits. Ever heard of a rambutan? Well God wants you to bring it to the company picnic.
8) Send emails asking for money a few times a week. Harass your friends into supporting multiple Kickstarter campaigns simultaneously. Tell them that you want to be an international DJ/Cupcake baker/Clothing Designer/Sri Lankan freedom fighter and that each venture needs $1000 of support.
9) Train a parrot to say “(your name) wants you dead. She told me.” Watch your guest’s faces when they hear this message. That will be the last time you see them.
Jessica Brodkin is a comedian based out of Washington, D.C.