Mind Your Own Sex Life

Mind Your Own Sex Life

woopsie-doopsie sex

I grew up in New York City, where it was common for a mentally ill man in tattered clothing to stand on a street corner screaming about how the world was going to end any minute. This is how I see anyone who complains about the sex lives of two consenting adults. Passing judgment on other people’s sex lives is like playing baseball, in that it is an all-American past time. Bored with their own parts and sex-less marriages, people turn to the sex lives of others for entertainment. Nothing boosts a shattered ego like feeling superior to “deviants.”

A great example of judging sexuality is the often written about “hook up culture,” which is basically any sexual activity with no strings attached. Hookup culture has been written about in The New York Times, The Atlantic, The New Republic, The Weekly Standard, and others. Casual sex is nothing new, and I speculate that people are interested in hook up culture today because it is reportedly initiated and perpetuated by women. Heavens to Betsy! Next thing you know women are going to start voting. Don’t girls want to be held and told that you will love them forever and buy them a pony? Some do, some don’t. I would prefer a Chanel bag to a pony if anyone wants to know.

People may also be interested in women’s sexual initiative because parents are clenching their chests for fear that their daughters might be a hussy.  Meanwhile, married men are furiously thinking, “Are women easy and sexually aggressive now? Cause if so, why did I get married? Or better yet, why wasn’t I born 10 years later?!”

You may be thinking to yourself, aren’t there times where judging someone else’s sexuality can be beneficial? But of course! Here are some examples of when it’s ideal to judge someone’s sexuality:

  • If you are hiring a babysitter or schoolteacher: We’ve all seen pictures of those incredibly hot high school teachers. There is no way your son could resist them.
  • If you are considering inviting someone to your orgy or swinger’s party: You don’t want to invite someone who will traumatize your guests and turn people off. No one wants a gentleman to show up to an orgy dressed in a bib and an adult diaper if everyone else is in leather. Party foul.
  • If someone else’s sex life seems like it will foreshadow yours such as, the relatively new idea that women are not built for monogamy and thus lose interest in their sex partners within a few years.

I have a dog in this fight because I’m about to sign a piece of paper saying that my parts belong to one man until we can’t stand each other anymore or are too old to leave. The notion that women’s sexual interest in her partner wanes after a few years understandably terrifies my fiancé. He is reading every article about it and planning his strategy to prepare for the worst.  His kitchen had been turned into a war room as if he were planning an attack on Normandy. “If she gets bored with me, be sure to try this move. Save for the Chanel bag? Nah, I’ll come to bed wearing a bib and an adult diaper.”

Jessica Brodkin is a comedian and writer based out of Washington, D.C.