Many of us daydream about being smoking hot. Some of us stare into the mirror wondering “am I hot?” Some lucky women know that they are hot. Regardless of where you fall on the scale of hotness, there are things you can do that will make you both feel and appear hotter. Try the following three fail-proof methods.
Get an Annoying Dog:
Hot women love small dogs. The smaller and more irritating the dog is, the better. A Pomeranian Chihuahua mix is ideal, because it is the perfect combination of cute and annoying, a spitting image of the hot women who love them. As an added bonus, Pomeranians have fluffy fur which, in a pinch, can be used instead of a Swiffer mop. Another benefit of a cute dog is that if you are not attractive, it will distract people from your face. These dogs also function as a great litmus test for a potential mate. It says “if you have the self control to not kick my dog, then you will have the patience to put up with me.”
In order to seal your name in the hot woman’s hall of fame, be sure to treat your dog according to the rules of hot women:
- Smuggle your dog everywhere you go by keeping it in a Louis Vuitton bag.
- Be sure to dress it in humiliating outfits and a pink rhine-stoned collar regardless of the sex.
- Give it a royal and pretentious name like Prince or Duchess.
Wear the I-Smelled-a-Fart Face
Nothing says hot girl like a face full of disgust. Hot women often walk around like the world outside of their pink-sparkle rooms is gross. The origins of the I-smelled-a-fart face are unknown, but evolutionary psychologists suspect that it was built as a self-defense mechanism in order to keep ugly and unworthy people away. It’s like the fire-breathing dragon outside the princess’s castle. Except in this case, the fire-breathing dragon is the woman’s personality. Having an off-putting personality is one of the great perks of being hot. It means that you are so good looking that you don’t have to be a decent human being.
The I-smelled-a-fart face can be accentuated by a whimper. For example try making an “eh” sound when someone puts too much dressing on your salad, when a restaurant is out of dry Riesling, or when a man suggests that you should pay for your dinner (hahahahahahahahaha!). The I-smelled-a-fart face is a subcategory of bitch face, but is more directly correlated with hotter women. Any woman can express bitch face, which is often appropriate and beneficial.
Try the T-Rex Arm
The only thing that can make a smelled-a-fart face better is by pairing it with the T-Rex arm. It’s like a merlot with a steak. A hot girl knows how to make an entrance or an exit, which would not be complete without a display of the T-Rex arm. The T-Rex arm is when one (or both) forearms are close to your chest and the wrist is either outwards (like a T-Rex) or clutching the collarbone. Try it now. You will automatically feel fancier. Now try it while strutting with high heels that make your butt pert. There you go. Now pretend that you have a Chanel bag at the crook of your elbow and you are storming out of a restaurant after splashing your date’s face with water. Now you have it. For a less dramatic (and of course less fun) scenario, try the T-Rex arm when walking along the street or at the grocery store. If you pair your T-Rex arms with high heels and a straight back, you will feel as if you just left the runway.
Jessica Brodkin is a comedian based in Washington, D.C.