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Facebuzzed Vol. 30 – Magner’s and Redd’s

Facebuzzed Vol. 30 – Magner’s and Redd’s

This week on Facebuzzed we visit both Magner’s and Redd’s Apple Ale. Why am I doing two at the same time? Maybe because I saw virtually no difference between their two Facebook pages…or I was deliriously hungry* when I wrote this and thought they were the same company. Either way, they’re still two crisp apple flavored beverages that, weirdly enough, both touted themselves as the perfect beverage for lunch in the countryside:

magner's

And your shotgun to kill every single one of those creepy ass ghost apples.

It was when Redd’s jumped on the cider-at-a-picnic bandwagon that they decided to ask their fans an important question:

If there isn't food underneath the cheese and sausage there will be no second date.

If there isn’t real food underneath the cheese and sausage there will be no second date.

I’m not sure what my perfect picnic basket is but I do know it won’t be filled with all the trappings of a fart-filled ride back home.

And Jesus have you heard of sandwiches, Redd? A layer of cheese will not absorb the apple sugar fuel they’re going to consume (or lower their B.A.C. when they get pulled over by a cop).

But since you’d have to consume more cider than the food in the basket, it reminds you that the whole point of these pages is to be cocky about your beverage. So cocky that they’re sure Mr. Appleseed himself would’ve swilled a bottle:

Screen Shot 2013-08-14 at 6.26.37 PM

I don’t think we want to imagine a world where Johnny Appleseed discovered fermented apples. For starters it would unravel Redd’s entire business model. Huge parts of the Eastern and Midwestern U.S. would never see an apple tree. And schoolchildren would instead learn about Johnny Bananadoo, an inebriated but well meaning American pioneer who tried to plant whole bananas in the ground and use his poop as fertilizer.

But at least it’s better than Jerry Bananaseed, the guy who killed a bunch of nurses in Portland #30Rock

Finally since we’re talking about apples so much, Magner’s wanted to know the modern day response to a classic idiom. Perhaps they should add “uplifting” between “an” and “apple phrase” the next time they do a fan poll:

magner's

Yeah. You’re  definitely gonna need a doctor on speed dial for that.

* = drinking a real beer

 

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