If you are under thirty and want to do something stupid, you better do it now. When you are thirty and above, stupid things stop being cute and start being sad. Here are three things that you can no longer do once you are in your thirties.
1) Get a belly button ring
You cannot channel Britney Spears circa 1999 while contemplating freezing your eggs. The only thing worse than having a new belly ring in your thirties is getting the piercing while pregnant. Nothing says mother of the year like rubbing cocoa butter on your baby bump while a metal ring busts out of your Forever 21 maternity clothes.
2) Lesbian Dabbling
If you suffer from performance anxiety and are over thirty, it is much too late to learn how to please a woman. Being a lesbian is like being a Chinese gymnast, you should start while you are young, or you are never going to catch up. I could never compete with women who started or experimented in college. They have ten years on me. Think about how long it took you to get good at sex. Exactly.
It doesn’t matter if you already have the equipment. I’ve had an appendix all my life, that doesn’t mean that I know how to operate on it. There are sections in bookstores dedicated entirely on how to please a woman. I read a book about how to please a man. It was three pages.
3) Find Yourself
People in their teens and 20s are often looking to “find themselves.” Their parents and peers see them as explorers and creative souls. If you do this in your 30s, people just think you are a loser and wonder if you are ever going to get married. I found myself while I was staring in the mirror and wondering why I still have acne.
If you are in your thirties trying to find yourself, you will find yourself alone. Your parents will start wondering what they did wrong. Your sister will start filling out job applications and an OkCupid profile on your behalf. Have you ever showed up to what you thought was a networking event and it turned out to be a date? Well I have, and I found myself with an asshole.
This post is dedicated to my grandmother Nona who was forever young. She never stopped wearing heels. She never stopped wearing lipstick. Her youthfulness was never sad, always spunky, and usually age-appropriate.
Jessica Brodkin is a Washington, D.C. based comedian. Follow her on twitter @Jessicabrodkin