Evil never looked so good.
Handsome men are often the envy all of those around them. They have women, cars, and high-paying jobs. But some handsome men suffer from an affliction known as serial killer face (SKF). SKF occurs when a man’s facial structure indicates that he is dangerous, when in fact he may be perfectly normal.
You may be wondering, how do I know if I have SKF? In order to find out you should ask someone. Just creep up behind a woman walking to her car late at night and ask. See what happens. I will also give you the advice my fiance gives me when I ask him if I look fat in my pants; “If you have to ask, then that is your answer.”
If you have SKF, do not despair! Women will find you irresistible, because serial killers are the ultimate bad boys. Nothing is more thrilling than being on a date and wondering whether you will be literally or figuratively eaten.
With proper precautions anyone can date a man with SKF. Be sure to only meet him in public places and only have sex in cars. If something goes wrong you can easily escape and alert the authorities. Nothing gets people’s attention like a naked woman running in the street. Just ask singer-songwriter Erykah Badu. She runs around naked to drum up sales every time her album doesn’t do well—which is of course anytime she releases an album.
There are many wildly successful men with SKF. Take comedian Daniel Tosh who has a popular show, Tosh.0, on Comedy Central. Every time Tosh smiles, he looks like he just finished washing blood off of plastic. He has super creepy handsome face. Tosh recently suffered from a huge backlash for saying that wouldn’t it be funny if a female heckler was raped. If rape isn’t a prelude for murder, then I don’t know what is.
The godfather of all serial killer faces is Benedict Cumberbatch, or as I like to call him, Humperdink Butterscotch. You most likely know Butterscotch for playing Khan in the most recent installment of Star Trek Into Darkness. Humperdink’s handsome face is a huge upgrade from the original Khan in the 1982 movie where Khan looks like an aging barbarian escaped from a retirement home in order to wreck havoc on humanity.
Butterscotch is a tremendous actor also famous for playing the modern Sherlock Holmes in BBC’s Sherlock. While playing Sherlock, Butterscotch looks less like a sexy serial killer and more like an alien who ran off with nana’s wig and tried to pass as human. Anyone interested in E.T. sex?
Let’s not forget Butterscotch’s voice which is sexy enough to convince any woman to crawl into his basement. His voice sounds like a British sex panther who can give you wet dreams just by reading Dr. Seuss. Green Eggs and Ham haven’t sounded this good since Jesse Jackson read the book on SNL.
For all of you lonely hearts out there with serial killer face, let Mr. Butterscotch be your inspiration. Looking like a murderer or alien isn’t slowing down his love life. He now dates supermodels and beautiful heiresses! Of course he is able to do this after becoming famous and dumping his girlfriend of twelve years. How original.
Fans of Benedict Cumberbatch should watch his deleted shower scene from Star Trek Into Darkness on Conan:
Stay tuned for the next edition of Unfortunate Shades of Handsome.
Jessica is a stand up comedian based out of Washington, DC. Follow her on twitter @JessicaBrodkin