T.W.I.T. – NSA Edition

T.W.I.T. – NSA Edition

The NSA has fully approved this week’s edition of tweets from the DMV’s least likely intelligence officers. Now we finally know who the Verizon dude was asking when he said “Can you hear me now?”

David Carter ‏@_DavidCarter_ 

If I ever robbed a place, I would cover the crime in police tape. That way, when the cops show up they’ll think, “We already checked this”.


Michael Larrick ‏@MichaelLarrick 

I can’t believe the government is invading my privacy! *checks in on foursquare,updates dating profile to attract strangers on the internet*


Maxel Rose ‏@WeWantMaxelRose 

As if phone interviews for jobs weren’t hard enough, now the government knows I suck at them. *Takes resume off USAJobs *


Mariya Alexander ‚Äè@MariyaAlexander

If you don’t want me to touch your pets, don’t parade them around on my street looking so adorable. I know when a beagle is asking for it.


Abe ‏@abecomedy 

Saying that life begins at conception means we all would be one year older. And look how much everyone already hates daylight savings time.


Richard Game ‏@blahmed 

The girl Miguel leg dropped may have suffered brain damage, but if you’re at the Billboard Music Awards then maybe it wasn’t the leg drop.


Katherine Timpf ‏@kctimpf 

I’d rather give a speech in front of a million people than have to park a car in front of one #unpopularopinion


Kasaun Wilson ‏@MrKasaunWilson 

Lady at Work: I’m just going to put it in the Lord’s hands. Me: You talking about your life? Lady at Work: No, this level of Candy Crush..


Mjölnir ‏@EnglishmanChris 

“Via social media I want to share my most mundane moments, thoughts, and pictures with anyone who will listen. BUT NOT THE NSA!” – The Public


DAY-vid TWY-tee ‏@killtveite 

Hey guys, The Human Centipede is a terrible movie to watch “just as a joke.”