Every week they twitterin’:
Step One: Throw out all your socks Step Two: Buy a lot of all of one type of sock Now all your socks match
When people say they’re ‘old school’ I imagine them digging a hole in the earth and shitting in it.
An audience member thanked me & said I’m brave for doing comedy, but all I heard was “Mariya, you are a self-deprecating Jewy Mother Teresa”
Whoever was in charge of naming Google Glass and DIDN’T think of ‘googgles’ should be fired.
Contra to popular belief, up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A-Starters never prosper.
The door closed, enveloping the warm Coke in darkness. “No one’s coming back for you,” sneered the frozen peas. “You’re one of us now.”
PBJ, the breakfast of champions. That’s Power Blowjob for those unfamiliar.
White girls typing “jajaja” instead of “hahaha” is the digital version of beach vacation-acquired cornrows.
Whenever an excel spreadsheet asks me for values, I just enter “Christian”.
Great relationships happen when each person feels lucky and appreciative– Ahh, the art of lying.