T.W.I.T. (This Week in Tweets)

T.W.I.T. (This Week in Tweets)

Every week they twitterin’:


Michael J. Foody ‏@MichaelJFoody 

Step One: Throw out all your socks Step Two: Buy a lot of all of one type of sock Now all your socks match


Rich Bennett ‏@HowTallAreYou 

When people say they’re ‘old school’ I imagine them digging a hole in the earth and shitting in it.


Mariya Alexander ‏@MariyaAlexander 

An audience member thanked me & said I’m brave for doing comedy, but all I heard was “Mariya, you are a self-deprecating Jewy Mother Teresa”


Milner ‏@EnglishmanChris 

Whoever was in charge of naming Google Glass and DIDN’T think of ‘googgles’ should be fired.


Richard Game ‏@blahmed 

Contra to popular belief, up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A-Starters never prosper.


David Tveite ‏@killtveite 

The door closed, enveloping the warm Coke in darkness. “No one’s coming back for you,” sneered the frozen peas. “You’re one of us now.”


Russ Green ‏@russ_jokes 

PBJ, the breakfast of champions. That’s Power Blowjob for those unfamiliar.


Ryan Schutt ‏@ryschutt 

White girls typing “jajaja” instead of “hahaha” is the digital version of beach vacation-acquired cornrows.


M. K. Paulsen ‏@mkpaulsen 

Whenever an excel spreadsheet asks me for values, I just enter “Christian”.


Simone ‏@LeftistPanda 

Great relationships happen when each person feels lucky and appreciative– Ahh, the art of lying.