What’s new pussycat? WOAH! Woah? Woah.

What’s new pussycat? WOAH! Woah? Woah.

The other night, I was about to do a set and I asked a guy I knew if he could film it on his phone. He joked that he was going to look through all my pictures. I joked that he better enjoy photos of my cat. Then he said, “you mean your PUSSY?”

I am a female comic, and I talk about my cat in pretty much every set I do. This is because he is hilarious and my chubby little angel who I love so much and WHATEVER I am the coolest.

That’s my pudgy widdle gentleman!

Okay so let’s review: being a girl means that I have a vagina. And, as we just went over, I also have a cat. Apparently, this co-occurring ownership makes it impossible for people to not make a pussy joke.

The problem is, literally zero pussy jokes, where the premise is that you are confusing a cat and a vagina, are actually funny. Seriously. Try to think of one. TRY! TRY, I SAY!

Real talk, friends — no one actually uses the word ‚Äúpussy‚Äù about a cat unless they are trying to make a joke, so there is no actual misdirection or cleverness to make a joke like that work. For instance, the classic example of a misdirection/play on words joke is the following: ‚ÄúI heard atoms have mass. That‚Äôs funny, I never knew they were Catholic!‚Äù It merits chuckles and smiles and good feelings because the listener is ACTUALLY misdirected, and the word ‚Äúmass‚Äù ACTUALLY has two valid meanings that are in current use in today‚Äôs world.

If guys actually had pet roosters as a normal thing, the world would be a more equal place for stupid genitalia jokes with animals…but alas, that is not the world we live in.

I dream of this day (pictured above).

The only people who I will accept a pussy joke from are these ladies:

These are the Barrison Sisters, a vaudeville act from the 1890s. Here is their joke, which Wikipedia describes: “in their most famous act, the sisters would dance, raising their skirts slightly above their knees, and ask the audience, ‘Would you like to see my pussy?’ When they had coaxed the audience into an enthusiastic response, they would raise up their skirts, revealing that each sister was wearing underwear of their own manufacture that had a live kitten secured over the crotch.”

Okay, so new rule: if you have a live cat in your underwear, you can make a pussy joke. If you aren’t willing to torture yourself AND baby animals, then you have not earned the right to make the same joke these ladies made in the 1890s.

I mean, come on, don’t you want to spare these beautiful animals your crude jokes and let them maintain their quiet dignity?