Facebuzzed Vol. 9 – Early Times

Facebuzzed Vol. 9 – Early Times

This week on Facebuzzed we look at Early Times Kentucky Whisky, a drink I hadn’t heard of until recently, but seems to have been around for a while judging by the wear and tear of the advertisement on the left:

And after our stomachs were pumped, that's when Dad was never allowed to make dinner again

And after our stomachs were pumped, Dad was never allowed to make dinner again


Early Times is also pretty big on celebrating ridiculous holidays I’ve never heard of as an excuse to swill, starting with this one:

early times boyfriend


Hey Early Times, maybe some of us can’t celebrate “National Boyfriend Week.”¬†Maybe some of us have to settle for “National Guy We Stare At A Little Too Long In Panera Week” or “National Man Whose Facebook Photos Are Permanently Stored In Our Internet Cache Day.” Even then I wouldn’t settle for the obvious bro on the left and the magician¬†in the middle.

The trend continued with the following, which were too close to each other to not be related:

early times four days


Given “National No Beard Day” was only four days after “Be Bald and Free Day” I’m guessing their customers are either primarily cancer patients or people with alopecia.

Your family pet was also a target. Even your dog’s loyalty couldn’t override the urge to imbibe through holidays that even go unrecognized in the greeting card industry:

early times fb lassie


Yeah I’m sure that will inspire your border collie. How¬†it will inspire your dog, exactly,¬†might not be to your benefit:

early times i'm lassie


Finally, Hard Times drew our attention to the equivalent of a “Man Cave”¬†in your supermarket:

early times fb message man aisle


Bottled emotions?

Double standards?

Unequal pay for equal work?

Of course not. Most of the answers were typical: Beer, bacon and tools. Except this guy’s:

early times fb message


OK. This is way too detailed for this not to spell out a story. I bet he was planning to use every single material on one day. Let’s see…

Spray WD-40 on hinges of gun box.
Open it up, take out father’s old shotgun.
Get lit off of booze and Red Bull.
Make love to wife one last time, use two condoms.
Put on your work gloves and fill your Range Rover with motor oil.
Get in your car, snap into a Slim Jim beef jerky stick.
Load your shotgun with shot gun shells.
Drive to factory of old job. Use a pick axe to open the locked door.
Shoot the man who laid you and all your co-workers off yesterday.
Use degreaser to clean up the blood.
Take one of your lighters and ignite fuses of 1/4 sticks of dynamite.
Throw it inside the lobby of old job.
Drive away, re-stock at the Man Aisle.

Or get arrested first. Yeah. Hopefully arrested.