(Or why I love the alien from the movie Alien.)
Review:¬†1 out of 4 stars
I recently let my eyeballs revisit this movie and with the help of everyone‚Äôs favorite website, Wikipedia, I will hold your memory cells for ransom as we walk down memory lane and I interject my opinion. First let me state that I fucking love science fiction films. But for some reason, when it comes to the typical science fiction ‚Äúalien‚Äù films genre, E.T. totally pusses out on the potential to be a bad ass alien.¬†
People got used to seeing aliens be the evil antagonist, in such films as Alien, and we‚Äôve been forever expected to meet a bad ass alien (otherwise known as the Killing Machine from here forward) who kills anything that stands in its way.¬† E.T. on the other hand was lured by candy. ¬†Reeces Pieces to be exact. ¬†¬†The Killing Machine in the movie Alien has acid for blood! How the hell does it do that you ask? Not by eating Reeces Pieces I can tell you that. ¬†E.T. at one point gets confused for being a stuffed animal.¬† Do you think The Killing Machine would have sat still in a room full of stuffed animals? I can‚Äôt even let my dog stay alone in the family room without fear of it tearing apart the cushions. ¬†My point is the movie would have been so much better with the Killing Machine. But I digress; let us get on with the retrospective shall we?
Wiki says, roughly, the movie starts with the E.T.‚Äôs people landing on earth and scoping out the scene looking not for our energy resources or redneck assholes to probe, but looking to collect flora samples.¬† But as always the US government, under the regime of one Ronald Reagan, decides to loudly descend upon E.T.‚Äôs location and fuck it up.¬† E.T.‚Äôs people amble onto their space ship and blast off leaving E.T. behind looking forlorn.¬† A kind of Mitt-Romney-left-his-dog-on-the-roof kind of thing and our alien friend is left to fend for itself. Do you think The Killing Machine would have been forlorn if it got left behind? No. It would have looked at the ship taking off and then smiled and begun its killing spree in earnest.
Enter Elliot (played by Henry Thomas), your typical freckle faced American boy, who comes home and finds that there is an alien in the backyard tool shed and learns that the creature can be lured into his bedroom by tactics used by pedophiles: Candy.¬† The little alien falls for this clever trick and is now under capture in the boy‚Äôs bedroom, where upon Elliot claims he will be ‚Äúsafe‚Äù.¬† ‚ÄúSure.¬† I‚Äôve flown millions of miles across galaxies and through time and space and your bedroom will keep me from being found‚Ä¶sure.‚Äù Is what this little alien should of said sarcastically, but didn‚Äôt! ¬†Once again The Killing Machine would have torn this little human to pieces and used his bedroom as a breeding ground for making those face sucker things whereupon Elliot‚Äôs family would of experienced great pain and suffering as they were slowly used as hosts for the next generation of killing machines.
Enter Gertie (played by the not yet hot Drew Barrymore) who is the younger sister of Elliot and promises not to tell their mother about the alien as long as she is allowed to play with him.¬† Elliot and Gertie start to begin to try to communicate with the little alien and when asked about where it is from, E.T responds by levitating several balls to represent E.T.‚Äôs solar system and then demonstrates E.T.‚Äôs powers by reviving a dead flower plant. This is where I was like‚Ä¶well holy fucking shit this little guy has powers?! He can crush these two puny humans with his brain and take over this pathetic planet in one fell swoop!¬† But alas, it does not have the killer instinct of The Killing Machine and decides for some strange reason to work with these two, as it is believed that it has some sort of spiritual connection with Elliot. The Killing Machine doesn‚Äôt have feelings, spiritual connections, or friends. It has instincts. The instinct to kill, maim and reproduce at alarming rate that make it one of the most feared creatures in the galaxy if not, the universe!
Eventually E.T. realizes he can‚Äôt stay on this pathetic planet for too long and finds a way to ‚Äúphone home‚Äù using a speak and spell and adamantly repeats his request to ‚Äúphone home‚Äù over and over again as this is one of the few sentences he learns to say from watching TV.¬† But after they connect with the call, Elliot and E.T. come down with an illness that they somehow share and are finally captured by the US government and it seems E.T. dies to save Elliot from perishing from this illness, and the viewer is lead to believe that all is lost. But Elliot knows E.T. is still alive and helps E.T. escape and get back to the rendezvous point for the spaceship pick up. ¬†But before entering the spaceship, E.T. tells Elliott “I’ll be right here”, pointing his glowing finger (oh yeah his finger glows for some strange reason) to Elliott’s forehead. He then picks up the flower Gertie gave him, walks into the spaceship, and takes off; leaving a fucking rainbow in the sky as Elliott (and everyone else) watches the ship leave.
These final events lead me to think‚Ä¶ If for some strange reason E.T. were to meet The Killing Machine in space, my money is on the machine ripping him apart as the little dude screamed ‚ÄúPhone home! Phone home!‚Äù over and over again because he never learned the words: ‚ÄúHelp me! This fucking thing is eating my insides!¬† Oh god! The fucking pain is tremendous! FUCKING HELP ME! ARGHHHHHHHHHH! Oh god‚Ä¶ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!‚Äù