Won’t you be my neighbor?

Won’t you be my neighbor?

I had access to cable TV this weekend, which is a treat for my non-profit lifestyle. I was actually shocked that State Farm is still running their “Like a Good Neighbor, State Farm is there” ads. You know, the ones where someone sings the jingle (poorly and off-key, as is apparently endearing and relatable?) and then magic happens.

For instance:

In this one, some bros are hanging out when an object comes flying through their window, shattering glass. It’s all good though – no need to give any craps about who threw something at them through a window, or be concerned about their safety when they are literally surrounded by windows. Shaggy Bro just sings “like a good neighbor, State Farm is there” and his agent appears. Magic!

The agent doesn’t do anything to actually help them with the window, but she does witness some more enchanted times when his bro friends get involved. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there with a sandwich, the girl from 4E and a hot tub, respectively.

A)  Props for having a girl be a prize that just appears along with sandwiches and hot tubs, you guys. It’s cool that State Farm can deliver human beings you want to have sex with, that sounds totally legit!

Gosh darn, too bad I didn’t get State Farm so I can disappear in situations where rando bros order me into their apartment!

B)  It’s here that I’d really like State Farm to define “good neighbor” and differentiate between neighbors and genies. In my world, a good neighbor is someone who like…might lend me their vacuum cleaner. An amazing neighbor might watch my cat if I went out of town.

A genie is someone who does magic things that I wish for. See how those are different?

You ain’t ever had a friend like me! Seriously. State Farm is full of shit.

I think this sets the bar a little high for neighbors; especially because the only example of a neighbor in this commercial is someone who threw a ball through your window at your token black friend.

Then I realized this might be a “me problem.” Maybe my neighbors have just historically sucked. I’m pretty sure these State Farm ads would be applicable in the following places:

  • Hogwarts.

Yup, actually that’s the only place I can think of. If I lived in Hogwarts, my neighbors could probably make a hot tub appear.

Accio objectified woman for State Farm customer! This is a great use of my powers!

It also seems pretty socially irresponsible. If State Farm agents can actually do the things that happen in these commercials, which includes instantly transporting people to safety and creating food from magic‚Ķ do you see what I‚Äôm saying? Or, likewise, what if that power falls into the wrong hands? What if Satan got State Farm Insurance? Just sayin’.

Sorry, poor people don’t get to have magic neighbors.