In honor of Valentine‚Äôs Day next week, I‚Äôd like to share with you a powerful story of modern young love. Snuggle up close with your sweetheart, grab a box of tissues, and read on for a truly moving account of how my boyfriend and I finally put our relationship status on Facebook.
Sadly, this is an entirely true story and has not been embellished for your amusement*.
My dear gentleman and I had been dating for almost eight months, had met each other‚Äôs parents and knew each other‚Äôs friends, and I was feeling a little anxious about defining the relationship. The only real argument we‚Äôve ever had was when I tried to clarify our relationship some time before, so I was nervous about bringing it up again.
Luckily, he gave me a fantastic opportunity via gchat with this beautiful conversation:
Boyfriend: I dislike that I can’t tag non-facebook things anymore in pictures, or form relationships with things that don’t have facebook pages.
Me: what do you mean?
Boyfriend: Example would be in a picture‚Ä¶ you used to be able to tag something and just type in some text. So I could tag a tree and say, “tree” to indicate the presence of a tree.
Me: Oh, gotcha.
Boyfriend: this is irritating right now because I’m trying to change my profile to say “Alex is In A Relationship with his own butt and It’s Complicated.‚Äù
I was shocked.
Boyfriend: but I can’t without making a page for my butt titled “his own butt,‚Äù which is weird.
Luckily, I had the good sense to call him out immediately, as was appropriate.
Me: Remember that time you were more comfortable saying you were in a relationship with your own butt on Facebook than with me?
It just didn‚Äôt make sense. I mean, sure, I don‚Äôt have anything bad to say about my boyfriend‚Äôs butt, but‚Ä¶I didn‚Äôt know I‚Äôd been competing. It was so unfair! How would we compare?
-Has been there whole life
-Essential to bodily functions
-Fun to grab
-Has sex with boyfriend
Clearly, I win, right?
Apparently, he agreed, when we had an actual in-person conversation two days later and he agreed to make it ‚ÄúFacebook Official.‚Äù
We lived happily ever after.
And his butt? Why, we‚Äôre all still good friends!
*Because this is so gritty and real, I asked my boyfriend if it was okay to put it on the internet since he‚Äôs actually smart and cool and this makes him look stupid and awful. Then I remembered that he was the guy who wanted to change his relationship status to reflect a complicated relationship with his butt, which basically means he revokes all rights to give a shit about what is on the internet about him forever.