Long Live the Republic

Long Live the Republic

I know that Christmastime is over, but for a comedian/overthinker like myself, these eerie Banana Republic ads are the gift that keeps on giving!

I don‚Äôt have any particular problem with Banana Republic, besides their name being kind of imperialist and their sizes being small. But seriously…their ads were straight up creepy this year.

This particular one was all over the DC area, and is still up in a few places.

This man looks like a Bond villain. What‚Äôs in the box? I can only assume it‚Äôs the heart of whoever you love the most. He‚Äôs definitely going to say something douchey and snarky, too. Like, ‚Äúshe said you‚Äôd always have her heart.‚Äù In fact, I’m pretty sure this is the evil dictator who rules Banana Republic with an iron fist.

There’s also a possibility that there’s a bomb in the box. He will probably place it on a table and vanish in some smoke, leaving you to figure out how to disable the bomb whilst also jumping out a window. He’d say something simply before the magical disappearing act, like “Boom” or “tick tock, Mr. Bond.”

That is clearly the creepiest of the ads, but the other ones are similarly uncomfortable. Take this one:

I simply don’t trust this man/evil dictator. I’m pretty sure he’s going to slam this giant box over my head. He is smiley here, but he’s thinking “I’m gonna slam this over your head and then you’ll be trapped inside unable to move your arms and then I will laugh at you while I kill your family in front of you LOLZ!”

This ad seems less violent, but definitely super disturbing. I feel like the evil dude from the other ads is showing me this girl to show me what I’ll become if I don’t do what he wants. He’s like, “See her? She used to be just like you. Now you can see in her eyes that she wants to be free, but the ornament tells her what to do, and she must obey.” Or maybe he just controls his citizens with ornaments, turning them into vacant, squarish-faced people who live in a monochrome world, waiting for an end to a dystopian nightmare that will never come.

Dream on, poor plebes. Dream on.


  • This article was absolutely hilarious. Completely took me by surprise!! The ‘ornament tells her what to do, and she must obey’ was a particular highlight. 🙂

  • Jon Yeager says:

    Awesome work- “tick, tock, Mr. Bond.”