How To Solve Every Sports Controversy

How To Solve Every Sports Controversy

Every week there’s some new supposed “controversy” in sports. Lance Armstrong did steroids!? Barry Bonds doesn’t get first ballot hall of fame! Umps make a shitty call that costs the game? ¬†Kobe walks off court before game ends, name-I-can’t-spell has fake girlfriend, …

We all want to bitch and moan and it’s something to bitch and moan about and compare ourselves to and feel better. ¬†It’s cliche to say this about reality TV — that it makes us feel better about ourselves, by comparison. ¬†But, sports controversies are the same thing.

*If you think this is intended to include the Penn State controversy, congratulations on learning to read in your spare time from banging rocks and grunting in a cave you extraordinary moron.

Fines and Congressional hearings aren’t solutions, they’re ineffective and another level of B.S. theater, respectively. If we wanted real solutions, they’re available. ¬†Here they are:

  • Player takes a dive in game, has to don a dildo. Imagine all basketball players wear a belt during the game. ¬†A simple rope belt. If they’re caught ‘flopping’ or get a technical foul, no ejections: Strap a pink dildo to their belt. They have to wear it for four quarters.
  • Non-drug users get a handicap.¬†All this policing is nonsense and bad for sports anyway. People want action and performance. PEDs are performance-enhancing, so as long as we remain human and entertained by “shiny, me touch” and “BANG BANG” and “OOOooooo big jumpy”, leveling the playing field by banning drugs will fail. So, let’s flip it. You can take all the f-ing drugs you want, but the burden is on the athlete to provide undeniable proof of¬†not taking substances. In exchange, they get a boost. Running a race? You get 25 meters head start. Hitting a baseball? Use a metal bat. Boxing? We will continue to let the mafia decide your fate.
  • Sex scandalous? Here’s a fatty. ¬†Are you a stud athlete caught in a sex scandal? ¬†Time to give back. You know all those ‘biggest losers’ and sad sack overweight folks? ¬†I’m not saying just fat people or calling anyone out. ¬†I mean all the people that are clinically ugly and fat and depressed and can admit it on their own. ¬†They are driving up depression and road rage and ugly baby counts across our country. ¬†They want fame and fucking. ¬†They want to feel good for just a few moments. ¬†They want you and now you’ve cheated on your wife. ¬†So now you’re going to be in a porn with the ugly to make their dreams come true and scare you straight.
I know there’s more… go ahead, challenge me. ¬†Comment a scandal and I’ll solve that problem.