This is a series about tipping and behaving at bars. I have designed a system that is a shit ton more fun and profitable than being cheap and anti-social, saves money, and everyone wins. It isn’t for everyone however. E.g. If you hate people no matter what, bugger off. First and only rule if you are a shithead: bugger off.¬†Otherwise…
Whatever your flavor of bar or restaurant, it‚Äôs important you choose wisely when selecting your regular spots. There are the obvious things:
- It‚Äôs close to work or home;
- It‚Äôs the kind of place you like to hang out ‚Äì it’s a dive bar, it has a pool table, it‚Äôs one of those fancy mixology places, etc. ‚Äì you‚Äôll be going back regularly and investing money in the place so you don‚Äôt want to hate it in a month; and
- It has the kind of food and drink you like.
But, there are less-obvious but important factors to selecting your spots.¬† Heed these guidelines, you monkeys:
- The workers don‚Äôt hate their jobs. Some might think, ‚Äúoh they hate their job: Score! They’ll be down to give free drinks because fuck the man!‚Äù¬† Bollocks. Rule #4: Everyone wins.¬† If the bar is getting screwed, they will go out of business or the staff will be fired and you‚Äôll be black-marked as the customer that was in on it. ¬†IT’s for the birds I tells ya!
- It‚Äôs at least 6 months old.¬† One of the most costly events is when a bartender leaves.¬† You established a relationship and they leave to the bar across town.¬† That‚Äôs expensive.¬† Avoid the first 6 months of a bar/restaurant when there‚Äôs LOTS of turnover and wait until they start to settle into a staff.¬† Plus, you‚Äôll get a real good sense of whether the place has staying power if it‚Äôs still where you want to be after that fresh car smell wears off.
- It‚Äôs not a fucking chain! I almost left this out.¬†Doesn’t¬†everyone realize the horrendousness of national chains?¬† They have no soul and they‚Äôre accounting systems are rock solid.¬† Good luck running the old ‚ÄúI‚Äôll scratch you‚Äôre back‚Äù in an Applebee‚Äôs. Not to mention the food at those places tastes like herpes.
- In business, not the business of being slammed. Especially if you‚Äôre new, don‚Äôt pick the busiest place in the ‚Äòhood.¬† You want a place that‚Äôll appreciate your business and you can help grow.¬† If they‚Äôre packed to the rafters, it‚Äôs hard to be a big fish… and what do you offer anyway?¬† Unless you can bring in extremely attractive women consistently; there‚Äôs always a market for that.¬† I know, I know, misooooogyny‚Äîyeah, yeah, and the truth so go fuck yourselves.
- You love the house wine, tap beer, and/or rail liquor.¬† This is how you pick the level of classy you want to station up to.¬† If you‚Äôre plenty happy with any old swill, good on ya.¬† If below Smirnoff is vomit-inducing, better find a place that keeps a quality stock because it‚Äôs going to be your go-to.
- Get comfortable. ¬†It‚Äôs going to be your home. You‚Äôre going to need to schmooze-it-up and have fun doing it.¬† If the seats suck or the d√©cor is grating, then you‚Äôre probably female or too picky.¬† Shit, if you read ‚Äúd√©cor‚Äù in the right accent and¬†didn’t¬†immediately curse yourself, this was a test and you failed.¬† Regardless, the point stand
s: the place needs to feel like your living room and you would feel comfortable ‚Äì not actually do it, but feel comfortable ‚Äì with your hands on your genitals, Al Bundy style.
That‚Äôs it. Get on it.