WTTC 1 of …
This will be a series about tipping and behaving at bars. I have designed a system that is a shit ton more fun and profitable than being cheap and anti-social, saves money, and everyone wins. It isn’t for everyone. If you hate people no matter what, bugger off. First and only rule if you are a shithead: bugger off.¬†Otherwise…
First rule: Tables are bullshit. Drink at the bar, eat at the bar, be at the bar. In the post-cigarette world, it’s one of the few places left to join an¬†ad hoc group of drug-doers without fear of retribution.
Bars also have a key ingredient: Bartenders and bartendresses. If you’ve ever played chess, ever notice how the King isn’t worth much but the Queen wrecks shop? The bartender is your Queen, controller of alcohol, and who everyone answers to because of it. Bartenders are your best friend and most of this system is designed around making that happen. In the words of Ty Webb, ‘You were born to rub them, you were born to lick their face.’
Second rule:¬†You hate cheap people. This approach actually saves you money, but this rule isn’t about the money — it’s about attitude. ¬†YOU HATE CHEAP PEOPLE! ¬†Wonder why… oh, because bartenders hate cheap people and you love bartenders. ¬†But beware, saying you hate cheap people and then coming off even remotely cheap will backfire. This is an attitude rule, but you’ve got to bring the game to back-up shit-talking.
Third rule: Know and enjoy the cheapest drink. That’s right, know the cheapest drink. Not the cheapest for you, the cheapest for the bar because that’s the primary source of “hook-up.” ¬†Come to think of it though, know everything. Every bar you take on is an investment. It’s like owning the bar and you want to find a place you’ll love to invest in and stick around. This is an over-tip system and if you aren’t going back again-and-again, then you’re over-tip is sunk costs.
Fourth rule:¬†You’re only doing it right if everyone wins.¬†I’ll be spelling out the “how” in future posts, but let’s dispel this immediately: this is not a system to cheat anyone. If you, the bartender, the other customers, and the owner aren’t all winning, then you aren’t doing it right. If everyone isn’t winning, then the investment will be lost–the bartender gets fired, the customers turn on you, or the bar/restaurant goes out of business. In any of those scenarios, you lose your investment. ¬†BOOOOO!
Those are the founding principles upon which all else is built. ¬†Let them sink in like tequila on an empty stomach you formerly ignorant sod. ¬†Cheers!